A Letter to Someone I Love
by BlackBird913
Summary: A letter Ellie writes to Craig after he leaves for his tour. But she knows she'll never send it. She just needs to get it out.  just added another letter, a little more original story, but it still makes sense
1. Chapter 1

**A/N : if people like and comment and ask me to keep it going and get a response from craig (in letter form or a meeting) i might :D this is something that i wrote because my feelings in my life are just like Ellie's. so i hope you like it!  
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Dear Love,

Hey. I don't know how to start this. And I'm usually good with words. It's just... hard to tell someone that you love them. That you've fallen and hit your head and youre dizzy all the time and you cant stop thinking about them... I'm rambling. I can't help it. You do these things to me. I know you'll never read this. I know this because I'll never give it to you. I'll never give it to you _because _i love you.

See, love. You love someone else. You're heart belongs to them, while mine belongs to you. She took your heart, and I'm alone. But i cant help but think this is right; this waiting thing. But then i cant help but feel like that is complete desperation and its sad. But i cant help it. I cant help but wait for you, even if that takes away all my pride. Because why shouldnt i fight? Fight for that feeling I know is right... fight for what i think God keeps telling me is the right path. But why would God steer me in the wrong direction? Why would this God that you rave about and tell me to talk to... lead me towards destruction? Destruction of our friendship and trust... or the destruction of your relationship with _her. _

I know I should give up. That you belong to her, and you'll never want all the love i have for you. But here I am, holding my heart out for you to beat to the ground, just like last time. I should be over you after all these games you've played. I should want something different. But I dont. I only want you. I only want the happiness you bring me.

For years, i never thought i could be happy. I never thought it was in the cards for me after all i lost. then you came along. You and your smile... and your warm hands... tight embraces... you turned me into such a cliche writing, poem spitting teenage girl, there should be a stupid vampire movie about it. But you came along... and... I thought you loved me. i thought you felt all that i did. The feeling of saftey when you held my hand. The feeling of trust and faith and happiness. I thought you saw the way i looked at you. Like you were my god sent. Because you are. Youre the one thing that just... always makes me happy. Even when you're breaking my heart, you still get a genuine laugh from me.

It's not fair. How someone so conniving can have you. Someone that's tried to get rid of me. Someone that's done that before. But i can't blame her. It's my fault. _She _sees the way i look at you, and i think she sees the way you look at me sometimes too. And she wonders about it just like I do. She overanalyzes it because we're best friends and that threatens her. She sees what I see. That theres something there, love. Something that will never go away. Something special... just waiting to come out. You deny it... you dont want it to be there. You dont want me.

She's your saftey blanket. Something that's secure... something you've always had. And something better came along and that scared you. You didn't want to doubt what you thought you knew. You didn't want change. I understand your decision. I always have. But that doesnt change the fact that i love you. And i want you. And it takes all my strength not to just go for it... to protect you from me.

Im unstable... I trip and get bruises and my skin isnt clear. My feet are big, my teeth are small. i have scars, both phyisical and emotional. I go crazy and i get mad. I have problems. But no one... no one will ever love you like I do. Even with my trust problems, and my fears of being alone... I still give it my all for you, because you're the one thing in the world ive ever been sure of. Sure that you'll never want me... but sure that you'll always be there anyway. Because you're my best friend.

And it sucks to be in love with you. Because you have me on strings. I'll do anything you want, whenever you ask. I'm a puppy dog on a leash. Do you see now? Do you see why ive been avoiding you and being distant? It's because i love you. It's because i cant tell you. It's because everytime i hug you goodbye, it takes all of my strength not to pull back and just kiss you... something ive longed to do for a long time. That's why. But you'll never see it yourself. And I'll be sitting here in the dark, waiting for you to see it and come running in like in the movies and kiss me and tell me you were stupid for not realizing it before and you'll never make that mistake again.

But that's just a fantasy. You dont love me like that... whether ive deluded myself to believe it or not. Besides, even if you did... you lvoe her too. And i'd never make you choose again. I'd make you choose her. Because i dont deserve someone like you. Perfect. Smiling. Patient... And whether i hate her or not for having you, at least she'll be able to make you happy... no drama or tears... while those are all i am. she's lucky to have you, and i hope she knows it. because she has something i'd do anything for. Someone more deserving of happiness and love than anyone i've ever met.

just remember me, okay? The best friend hopelessly in love with you. I'll always be here on the sidelines, waiting for you to notice my longing stares. I know you, inside and out. You're my best friend. but you'll always be more than that to me.

Maybe one day I'll be more to you than that... but i dont hope. because i know you'll marry her, and ill be there as your best man and help you find a tux and have to be okay with you marrying someone that i hate. But i'll support it because you'll be happy. That's all i want. Even if i cry myself to sleep every night, all i want is your happiness. I just wish i could make you happy like that.

I wish i had the courage to have you read this. To just hand it to you and walk away. It would explain everything. The games that werent games to me, but i think they were to you. the reasons im scared. the reason i cant look at you sometimes. the reason those brown eyes make it impossible to ever be mad at you. How all i want is you, and i sometimes think im supposed to go for it... how sometimes i think that's what God is trying to tell me. But all I am is a masochist. i inflict pain upon my self by being best friends with you when i know you'll never love me like i love you. I used to cut for that. Make blood poor down my legs. but now, all i need is you. It's painful to love you. You make me feel real by slowly killing me.

But if there's even a bit of a chance for you to love me back, ill suffer. I'll wait as long as i can. Because somewhere deep inside me... something tells me that youre worth it.

So, love, now you know. Now you know everything. What ive kept from you, and wish I could actually say.

But the gist of it all: I'm in love with you and always will be, whether or not its useless.

And it is.

Love,

Just Me.

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**A/N : comment! this was really personal too, so i hope you like the words i imagined as i wrote like i think ellie would.**


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: a second letter after events that are explained. Still Ellie's POV to Craig. I might make responses from Craig. The story goes a little... off... because the story is a little personal for me. So don't be TOO harsh in reviews, but i DO love critiques! 3

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Dear My Someone,

Well, we're back to this again, huh? Me writing a letter to you that you'll never see. Stupid journalism me. Always needing to write out my thoughts. Not like they'll get published. Or even seen. I just need to get it out there, you know? Out of my head. You know that better than anyone… what with your music.

The last letter was from August… it's January now. So much has happened since then. You've still been with _her_ this whole time. And I've been the idiot who told you she was in love with you. Stupid me again. Ruining your happiness. Ruining your life. Nothing new there though. I've been doing that since I met you. Just like you've been breaking me. Slowly. Like a project. A confidence boosting project for you. When I told you to try and better yourself and be proud of yourself… I didn't mean use my feelings for you to do that. But I let you, don't I? Because I'm just the annoying red haired best friend that's in love with you. How cliché. Just like Mary Jane from Spiderman. And April from Definitely, Maybe. Why is it always the red heads? Can't the fates pick a more populated group of hair color to pick on? Why must we go through all this pain just to end up with the guy in the end?

Except I wont get you. You're too sure of her. Too sure she's perfect for you. But even if I despise that awful excuse for a human… even SHE deserves better than what you've done to her. And she knows. Trust me, girls always know. I'm sure she doesn't understand the magnitude of the situation… but she probably can't even spell magnitude, or even define it.

What sucks is the war within myself right now. Part of me is telling you that she deserves better than you… but at the same time, I want to tell you that you deserve better than her. What kind of twisted sense does that make? It doesn't. It's just because my heart will not let go of you. Why did you pick me? Why did you pick the innocent emo red haired girl in the corner writing in her notebook to make fall in love with you? Hold her hand… take her on walks in the park… talk about life while laying under the stars… But you never kissed her. That's the problem here. What I've imagined a kiss with you is like… nothing will ever compare. Because I don't know what it is in reality. Fireworks? Like a new year? Like I never knew anything until that point? Like I was dead up until your lips touched mine? Or maybe I'll feel nothing. Like I'm kissing my brother. But I think we both know that that wont happen. So you're scared. You're scared that that kiss will be proof of the one thing you can't admit to yourself. That you have feelings for me. If you don't stop holding those feelings back… I'm scared of what you'll do. You keep making mistake after mistake when the feelings hit… and they're getting worse and bigger each time.

I don't think I'll ever be able to visit you again. Well, that's an empty threat if I've ever said one. But I _shouldn't_ ever visit you again. Not after last time… How could you? How could you do that to me, knowing full well how I feel? We talked about it the last time… I let you ask me what ever you wanted. I told you everything. You can't claim that it slipped your mind. And then you… I can't even say it! That's how ashamed I am… and how defensive I still am for you! And after everything you've put me through… No one like you deserves someone to stick up for them. But how can I not? You're wonderful. The only reason you become a bad person is because of me… it's all my fault. I turn you into a monster. No wonder you don't want me. I turn you into someone who cheats on his girlfriend with his best friend. God, that makes me sound like such a whore.

Why did you make my heart skip that night? Why did you tickle me and make my stomach do summersaults? Why did you give me butterflies? Why did you shut off my brain? Do you have a remote that you can just press a button and do all this at the same time? It's not fair. Give it to me so I can give it to someone I trust not to use it against me like you do constantly. You went from 'innocent' games of _Are You Nervous?_ to full on laying on top of me and laying your head on my chest and running your hands on my waist to send shivers up my spine. I knew it was all so wrong… I knew I should tell you to stop. Well, I knew that when I got home and over analyzed everything that happened that day. You somehow got rid of all of my moral standards within 15 minutes of me stepping into your room. I used to have them you know. Then you showed up and destroyed them and made me hate myself.

I should have stayed in my own bed that night… you had an extra one. I knew that… but the temptation… to fall asleep in your arms like I did at that giant sleepover that once time… I couldn't resist. And you knew that. You curled me into you, running your hand up and down my arm… feather light touches… my biggest weakness. It's like you _knew_ somehow. Like you could sniff it out.

I fell asleep soundly for the first time in years that night. Listening to your heart beat, I didn't have nightmares. But I sure woke up to one. We were spooning. And you… you were touching me everywhere. Places you knew I wouldn't have allowed you if I had been awake. But I was frozen. Never in my wildest dreams would I have woken up to this. And then… if it couldn't have gotten worse than you sticking your hand down my pants… you sat up and lifted my shirt up… and then my bra. The one thing I had NEVER let you see was my boobs. No matter what begging you did. I refused. I wanted the first time someone saw me without a shirt on to be… personal and nice… and you took that. And I was so upset, I still couldn't move. Then you laid back down and pulled as close to me as you could… and you just started moving. Against me. On me. You held me in place roughly… and I… I didn't understand.

You could have convinced me to jump out a window if you had wanted to while I was awake. You knew I was at your will. Why when you thought I was sleeping? Luckily your phone buzzed. You pulled away to answer it, I got to breath for a second. And on your way back, like some miracle from this God you talk about, my phone rang from under my pillow where I always keep it. And it kept buzzing. I shifted a little, and you tapped me to wake up. It was a random number from Florida. Well, thank you Florida. I tossed it aside, pretending to have just woken up. You turned me around and pulled me on top of you. I just laid my head on your chest, ignoring what had just happened. Maybe I just convinced myself that it was normal.

I don't know how it happened, but soon enough, you were behind me, pulling my hips to you from behind me. And you just started… _moving _again. You started touching me everywhere again. I dug my face into the sheets to hide how hot my face had gotten. But I told you to stop. I didn't like it… well, that's a lie. I liked it too much for my own good… which scares me.

Then you had to go to class. And once you left… I laid there, knowing somewhere inside myself that something awful had just happened, and I couldn't accept it. I pushed it away. Which is why I drank so much that night. Why I partied so hard. I needed to forget. I needed to forget what had happened… convince myself it was a dream.

You wouldn't hold me again that night. I think it's because you were afraid to lose control again. I think it's because you were afraid that I knew. You were right. I did. I do. I try to forget it, but I have nightmares about it every night. That's why I don't sleep anymore. I stay up and look at sad pictures all night. I don't sleep, I don't eat, and I don't move. Carrying up a thing of Grape Juice from the basement is hardly even possible. Even when I do eat, I puke it up because my immune system is suffering from the lack of sleep.

You made me cut again. Because of you, I have scars that wont go away. I was being good. I was finally making myself proud… but then you went and ruined it. Because you've turned me into someone I hate. I want to be the old me again. No, I sure wasn't happy, but I was better than this mess you've made of me. I hate this. I hate you. But goddamnit I love you too. And that SUCKS.

And then… you stopped talking to me… like I did something wrong. And then you told me it was because you were sorting out your feelings for her and I. Oh, forgot about her, did you? Oh no. She's a big part of all of this. And guess what? For the fourth time, you picked her. Said you felt nothing towards me.

Do you know how that makes me feel? Like scum. Like a toy for you to use at your will and then toss away for a little while. What's next? What's going to happen next time you lose it around me? Trust me, I have plenty of ideas. I have nightmares of them constantly. You taking advantage of me… in a grossly thorough way. I say no… and you make me say yes. I'm scared that that will happen.

I know you're bad for me. I know what you do to me. But I can't hate you. Even if you went a month ignoring me. Pushing me away. You're my best friend… you shouldn't have done any of this to me. But that doesn't make it easier to hate you, which I know I need to find a way to do now. Because that would be so ideal. You could never hurt me again. Never use me again…

I wish this was a goodbye letter. But it's not. And you'll never know how much you hurt me. Because, truthfully, we both know I forgave you the second you did it. That I'll take anything you shove at me, so to speak, just to make you happy even for a little while. But you need to tell her. You know you might lose her. But I cant have it on my conscious that you did this, and have her not know. And you'll butter it up for her sake, telling her I led you on… when in reality, you lead me on every day. You make me think you want me. You do that so that you can get some pleasure out of someone being so stupid to fall in love with someone like you.

I am stupid.

You have me wrapped around your finger.

I… I can't fight that. I love you too much.

But I can't keep fighting for our friendship. It's your turn now. I can't just accept an I'm sorry. And even though we both know I'll end up giving in and text you… please just… try? Prove to me it's worth it… waiting for you. I just want to know. Stop playing games with me and just make up your mind. The definition of insanity is making the same choice over and over again and expecting a different result each time. That's what you're doing. And it's driving me insane too. I'm making the same decision to forgive you each time. And I'm not so sure crazy looks good on either of us.

Please just fight for me. Because if you don't, I'm pretty sure it'll be the reason I end up hating you.

Maybe I'm just waiting for that. Or a damn kiss. After all you've taken from me now… that's the least you owe me…

I wish I didn't feel so dirty all the time. And cutting makes me feel worse. But it numbs what you did. It helps me pretend through my day that it didn't all happen. And lately that's been getting harder… and I have no one to talk to about it… because you would be that person, if the reason want you. Just… be my friend again… or leave. Because I can't handle this middle ground.

I love you, whether or not you want me to or love me back,

Unfortunately Always Yours,

Me.


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